Affair Recovery Counseling in San Jose

Yes, it’s totally normal to come to therapy alone after an affair.  And sometimes, it’s necessary for recovery.

Whether you are the betrayed or the affair-involved partner, what happens in this relationship and especially in your recovery will set the stage for how you are in relationships, this one or not, in the future.

For the betrayed partner, without guided recovery you could possibly experience:

  • Being very vigilant about not being cheated on again
  • Feel not worthy of not being cheated on
  • Low self-worth
  • Put up walls so thick they keep others out as a way to protect yourself

 

For the affair-involved partner, without guided recovery you may experience:

  • Feelings of shame and guilt
  • Fearful you’ll stray again
  • Wonder if ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is true
  • Never gets your wants and needs met in relationships
 

Infidelity doesn’t have to be an ending.

There are times when, in addition to couples counseling for infidelity, more support is needed.

Creating the space in your recovery journey for individual work can be incredibly healing for the relationship itself.

Recovering from infidelity is serious business.

And serious business requires an all-in approach.

The goal for your recovery is to, whether together or apart, is to decide if the infidelity will BREAK you or will it REMAKE you.

Unfortunately, infidelity isn’t going anywhere.

Betrayal has been around ever since people decided to promise monogamy.

And the fairly universal responses to the pain of betrayal are feelings of guilt, shame, anger, humiliation and, critically, a loss of trust.

And this may leave you with questions.

The primary being, if people know the pain infidelity brings to their partners, why do they choose to engage in it?

People are aware of the risks and the huge potential for enormous consequences, and they still choose to engage.

And following this question, can we and how do we heal from this?

Regardless of which party you are, you may have these questions, and so many more.

And we can help you find answers.

 

What you can expect from us

Finding a therapist or couples counselor who specializes in affair recovery gives you an edge on the healing process.

If you were cheated on, we’ll work on:

Processing all of your feelings (and yes, there will be many)

  • Regaining your strength and sense of identity

  • Building a support network you can really lean on

  • Figuring out your next steps

  • Figuring out what you want and need in order to trust your partner again, if you’re staying together

  • Figuring out what your new life will look like if you choose to end your relationship

All this…and anything else you need to talk about.

We’ve counseled people in your same shoes, going through all the thoughts and feelings you’re having right now.

Infidelity doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you and the relationship is automatically over. 

Many, many times it has nothing to do with the betrayed partner.

One of the wounds to recover from is the wound of not feeling enough.

This very specific wound shines a light on the identity of your relationship from ‘we are special only to each other’ and changes it too ‘are we special to each other?’

This damage can lead to the betrayed partner struggling to recognize they ARE enough.

And this is a wound that can be addressed in individual treatment.

 

If you’re the person who cheated, we’ll work on:

  • Getting to the root of why you cheated

  • Processing all of your feelings

  • Figuring out how to manage the new, tighter boundaries in your relationship and how to truly show your partner that you’re trustworthy now

  • If you’re separating, figuring out what your new life will look like and processing your feelings around the split

  • Learn how to recognize your needs and learn how to communicate them

  • Ensuring you don’t keep repeating the pattern, wrecking this (or future) relationships

 

What should I do if my partner doesn’t want to come to therapy?

If you are the betrayed partner and your partner isn’t willing to come to therapy with you, we can work with that.

Ultimately, if you’ve made the decision to stay in the relationship, your best bet is to attend couples counseling for infidelity, in addition to individual treatment.

And, we realize sometimes one member of the relationship will decide ‘they don’t believe in therapy’ or ‘therapy doesn’t work for me’.

We hear this every so often.

And the fact that we’re hearing it says that partner DID eventually come to therapy and (just about every time) realizes it’s not so bad, and is even a good thing to do.

You coming for your own therapy will model for your partner what it’s like to go to therapy.

Oftentimes, if one person decides to go, the other will, eventually, follow.

However, if your partner flat-out refuses to join you, you still need support and we can help you process your experience, move through it and get to a more calm, confident, secure side.

 

I’m not sure our relationship can survive this

This is absolutely a valid concern.

This is one of the most damaging things to happen to a relationship.

The work required to recover is no joke.

And yet, we see couples recover.  All the time.

And they go on to have more satisfying relationships than before the betrayal.

We consider our goal for your relationship to guide your recovery so you can create a strong, stable, secure relationship.

One that includes a whole lot more of the good parts of the relationship and less of the bad parts.

Whichever role you play in the situation, let’s talk.

 

Should I stay or should I go?

You may have no idea if you want to do the work to repair the marriage or if you are done.

No questions, just done.  And that’s ok.

Right now your partner is feeling like a threat to you.  You can’t trust them and yet, you may desperately want them.

We understand that it’s very difficult to make a massive decision all the while feeling so confused and hurt.

You won’t be pressured (by us at least) to make a decision about the future of your relationship.

We will create space and help you explore your options and what each one means.

Give yourself some time before deciding. 

We often recommend to our clients to take an extended period of time to allow themselves to stabilize and see how things are going in the recovery before deciding either way.

Or, we can help you exit your relationship as gracefully as possible.

 

 

Why did the affair happen?

For the betrayed partner, this is THE question.  “Why?  How could you?”  “Did you think about me when it was happening?”

And frequently the affair-involved partner is struggling to figure out the same question.

You both want answers because answers give us a sense of security.

If we can figure out why it happened, we can figure out how to avoid it in the future.

Sometimes the affair-involved partner needs more intensive, and yes, private work in order to safely and vulnerably explore this.

Often we hear the affair-involved partner asking themselves the same questions, “How could I have done this?” 

We have worked with so many unfaithful partners who have struggled to understand what need they were trying to fill in the affair, why they felt they couldn’t fill this need with their partner.

Or why it was unacceptable to have the need in the first place.

Finding the “Why?” of the affair can be challenging. 

It requires vulnerability, a soul-searching deep dive and a willingness to do the work.

You’re not looking for a quick, easy answer here. The answers are typically much more complex.

 

If I’m the affair-involved partner, will you judge me?

Absolutely not.  It just won’t happen.

Humans are humans who do human things.

We understand this.

We will also guide and support you in your work to help understand why you choose this path.

And, if you want something different, we will help you start living a different life.

 

There is hope.

If you’re wondering how to heal after being cheated on, if you want to repair in the relationship or solo, we can help.

We’re happy to share our experience, knowledge, and guidance to help you survive your recovery and to create a different life.

This doesn’t have to be an ending.  This can be a beginning.

Contact us now and let’s get started.

Ready to Get Started?

If you’re ready to consider therapy, Great!  You can choose your therapist and schedule your first session here:

Or if you have questions you can call or send us an email. 

We’ll reply the same business day, answer any questions you have, ask how we can help, decide if we’re a good fit for each other and we’ll get the process started. 

counseling+and+therapy+for+marriages,+couples,+addictions,+affairs,+teens,+trauma+and+more.+J.+Woodfin+Counseling+in+San+Jose,+CA