4 Tips to Manage Stress in an Uncertain World

Many people avoid stress proactively by living in a predictable routine. They wake up, go to work, see some friends, and wind down for the day. Living this way gives us a sense of control over our own lives and minimizes the amount of anxiety we risk.

If anything is going to force millions of people to change their routines, it’s a global pandemic.

COVID-19 took many things from us—the people we love, the jobs we rely on, the activities that energize us, and more. You may feel vulnerable and stressed now more than ever before. You may even hesitate to integrate old habits back into your life out of fear of losing them again.

Fret not—while we can’t stop unexpected events from happening, we can manage the stress they bring to our lives. Here are four ways to manage stress in an ever-uncertain world.

1. Limit How Often You Consume the News 

You can convince yourself that keeping up with the news makes you “well-informed”, but the truth is that it also makes you pretty depressed. While we live in a globalized world, most of our day-to-day life is affected by the things directly around us.

Your day is more likely to be thrown off by your child getting sick and needing someone to stay home with them than it is by the opinion of a politician on the other side of the world.

Yes, it’s absolutely important to stay connected with the rest of humanity. However, knowing every little detail about major events that happen every single day is information overload. Clear your head by clearing your feed and setting personal boundaries on how often you take in the news.

2. Focus on What You Can Control

Sometimes, our brains imagine the worst-case scenario before we get the chance to catch ourselves. That’s okay! The important thing is not to ruminate on it.

Instead, focus on what you can control. Ritualize the minor parts of your everyday life. Plan your outfit before going to bed, engage in weekly meal-planning, come up with an exercise routine, and get into a TV show that gives you something to look forward to.

Self-care doesn’t have to be as luxurious as Instagram sometimes makes it look. It can be as simple as prioritizing a diet that fuels you, planning activities that relax you, and cutting back on obligations that prevent you from getting enough sleep or time with those you love.

3. Be Patient with Yourself

Studies show that not everyone sees uncertainty the same way. Some people become inspired by the “challenge”, while others are fearful of the unknown.

If you’re in the latter half, you may struggle with negative thoughts, excessive anxiety, and irritable moods. These are totally normal responses to living through chaos, so there’s no reason to blame yourself.

Instead, try reflecting on the worst days in your life before this. The times you blanked on stage, tripped in the hallway, or ran out of gas on the highway. Remind yourself, “I got through hard times before, I can get through hard times again.”

4. Ask For Help (Even Before You Need It)

Let’s be honest: some of us are isolators. Things go wrong and without a second thought, we stop checking our emails, cancel all upcoming events, and curl up into bed for a couple of weeks.

While some people see asking for help as a sign of weakness, it’s actually a sign of love, humility, and strength. It shows your loved ones that you trust and respect them enough to influence your life for the better.

Where your support network fails, a therapist can step in. Some thoughts just feel too personal to talk about with friends. Anxiety therapists can help you identify harmful thinking patterns and repetitive behaviors that limit your ability to bounce back from stress.

Looking to get started? Schedule your first appointment with me today.

Breaking Down Consensual Non-Monogamy

Most of us were taught to associate love and romance with monogamous relationships only. However, love exists in many forms! The number of people involved doesn’t define whether it is or is not a genuine relationship. As long as there’s consent from everyone involved, you may find that relationships are more meaningful to you when you add more people!

Let’s break down consensual non-monogamy.

Consensual Non-Monogamy in a Nutshell

You may not have heard of the term “non-monogamy” before, but you’re more than likely familiar with it. Non-consensual non-monogamy is when someone else is invited into the relationship without one of the partner’s consent—a.k.a. cheating.

Consensual non-monogamy, however, means that everyone involved consents to the specific people and dynamic of the relationship. This umbrella term represents many variations of non-monogamy, from open relationships to polyamory.

Assuming someone’s non-monogamous relationship is just as taboo as having an affair is offensive. These relationships can often be healthier than monogamous relationships because of how much communication and vulnerability they require.

Let’s break it down.

Open Relationships

Open relationships involve one primary couple where one or both partners are “open” to sexual activity with people outside of the relationship. The person who isn’t in the primary couple typically has a specific role and is seen as a secondary addition to the couple.

Open relationships most commonly take place between couples who have been married/committed for a long time and are looking to spice it up in the bedroom by inviting another person. You make the decision together, and couples should establish clear boundaries about what sexual contact is okay and what isn’t.

Swinging

While swinging is technically a kind of open relationship, couples who swing are typically more open to meeting with strangers, and tend to engage with more of a swinging “culture”.

Swinging is a diverse space. It could mean kissing strangers briefly at parties, or it could mean getting together with a group of friends you’ve known for years to swap partners.

Polyamory

Polyamorous relationships are relatively popular in certain cultures around the world. Polygyny, for example, is often seen in Muslim parts of the Middle East and Africa. It is when one husband shares sexual relationships with multiple wives who have no sexual contact with each other. We sometimes see this in the U.S. as well.

Polyandry, the same thing with reversed gender roles, happens rarely, as it’s less likely to receive social and cultural support.

The Tenants of Consensual Non-Monogamy

Some people think that having a relationship with multiple people dilutes the relationship you have with each individual. This isn’t true.

Consensual non-monogamy idolizes the same standards that monogamy should—no lying, no sexual pressure or coercion, and no making decisions that affect the relationship without everyone’s voice present.

Everyone’s relationship is unique, even in monogamous relationships, so every relationship should have its own unique set of expectations. With consensual non-monogamy, couples should consider a few things before introducing another cook to the kitchen…

  • Is the relationship casual, committed, brief, or long-term?
  • What role does each person serve in the relationship? (Primary, secondary, tertiary…)
  • What is okay and what is off-limits between partners sexually, romantically, and emotionally?
  • To protect us from STIs and/or unwanted pregnancies, what kind of sexual behavior is okay?

For consensual non-monogamy to work, you need to take a genuine interest and care for your partners’ feelings. You need to establish a foundation of trust, vulnerability, and communication. If boundaries get crossed, it’s important that you each have the reflective tools and communication skills necessary to problem-solve without feeling betrayed.

To better understand how your own insecurities, upbringing, and preferences may affect you in a consensually non-monogamous relationship, work with a therapist! Schedule your first appointment today.

4 Ways Depression Presents in Men

Depression can happen to anyone, but it might not look the same from person to person.

When our head fills with negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, it can make us feel deeply alone. Feeling like no one understands us can cause us to self-isolate, worsening our chances of getting better.

Women are more likely to try confiding in a friend or loved one. They’re also more likely to seek out a therapist. It’s socially accepted that they can articulate their feelings.

Men, however, are less likely to accept, discuss, and seek treatment for depression, despite the large number of men it affects every year. If you’re a man, or are concerned that one of your male loved ones is depressed, the first step is acknowledging it.

Here are four different ways depression presents in men.

Risky and Aggressive Behavior

Men with depressions may be easily angered, irritable, or aggressive. Women are more likely to appear sad. Depression comes with low self-esteem, and one way men typically deal with this is through dramatic displays of masculinity. (Think punching walls, raising their voice over minor frustrations, or starting fights.)

Men’s comfortability with aggression, in general, puts them the most at the risk of suicide. While women are more likely to try non-violent means of taking their own life, men follow through more often because they use violent, quick means.

Suicide can also be accidental when men engage in risky behaviors. Frantic driving, for example, can make a man feel more in charge of his vehicle, until one wrong move spins him off the road.

Filling life with stints of risky excitement is not how to conquer depression. Showing yourself love, care, and well-intentioned maintenance is.

Escapist Mentality

Men are more likely to numb their feelings by abusing drugs and alcohol than women. They may wake up and immediately feel a deep need to drink or smoke to avoid reality. Social time with friends may never be sober, and they may substitute meals for a quick hit.

Depression can affect your appetite by suppressing it or boosting it. Turning to comfort foods to cope and mentally escape can lead to unwanted health problems down the road, especially if binge drinking or smoking is a part of an already unhealthy diet.

Escapism can sometimes be hard to catch. Men may devote an unreasonable amount of time to work, exercising, or getting lost in video games, all to avoid their current reality. While things like exercising and playing sports are great for our health, revolving our lives around them can lead to burnout and stronger, unchecked depressive symptoms.

Avoidant Conversations

Men may avoid talking about their feelings out of fear of being perceived as weak or immature, two traditionally masculine points of view on mental health. The narrative is shifting today, but a person’s ingrained socialization can still be hard to overcome.

While “sadness” is everyone’s first thought of depression, the primary symptoms in men are actually a little different. Headaches, stomach problems, excessive fatigue, and a short temper can all be signs of underlying depression.

Constantly changing the subject or actively seeking distraction can also be indicators. Men are more likely to downplay their symptoms or convince their loved ones that they have it handled.

Resisting Treatment

Asking a man to open up about his depression can be a heavy ask. However, opening up to a professional about depression is different because it’s private. Here, he may be more willing to share.

However, men typically worry that being seen as “depressed” will threaten their career or the respect they have from friends and family. The question is, what’s more respectable? A man who centers his life around his health and well-being, or a man who lets it suffer and bleed over into his relationships?

The choice is yours. Everyone is welcome at my practice. I’m not in the business of making people feel weaker; I’m here to help them find strength.

Is Intention Part of Your Relationship? Here’s Why It Matters

Relationships can be fiery and full of passion when you’re still dancing through the honeymoon stage. Eventually, you may discover the unexpected joy of being in a relationship after some time—sweet stability.

While it’s nice knowing that no matter how bad your day was, you get to come home to the arms of someone you love, this knowledge can also make us go into auto-pilot.

You may find yourself taking advantage of your partner’s kind habits, expecting them to be an evergreen part of your routine. When this happens, intention is lost, and we fail to see our partners as the people with whom we fell in love.

Instead, we see them as another cog in the nonstop machine that is our daily lives. Intention matters in our relationships because it gives us a stronger sense of trust, intimacy, and love with our partner.

What Intentionality Looks Like in Relationships

Proactive (Not Reactive) Love

Your ability to de-escalate an argument without hurting the person you love is great. However, if you only really prove yourself to your partner during times of crisis, your relationship is missing intentionality.

When you think of showing intention, think of proactive behaviors that help support your partner’s energy and goals.

For example, let’s say visiting family is an especially stressful event for your partner. Proactively (read: intentionally) loving them would look like saying, “When you come back on Sunday, I’ll have your favorite comfy clothes washed and ready for us to crash and watch a movie together.”

Show your partner that you understand the ebbs and flows of their emotions. Prove that you know when they’ll need support without them having to ask for it.

Planning for Growth Instead of Expecting It

Some people think that being in a relationship for a long time means it must be a strong relationship. However, time isn’t the best metric with which to judge a relationship’s quality.

Auto-piloting your way through a relationship will only leave you feeling burdened with the problems you never felt comfortable bringing up and/or overwhelmed with unmet needs.

Instead, plan for growth by being intentional about it. Ask yourself questions, like…

  • When in this relationship have I felt the happiest?
  • What has my partner done before that made me feel safe?
  • What are the ways I show love to my partner?
  • How do I prefer receiving love from my partner?
  • What things do I do solely for my enjoyment?
  • What things do I want me and my partner to do together?
  • When have I felt the most connected to my partner?
  • How do I typically choose to connect with my partner?
  • What are our strengths as a couple?
  • Where would I like us to improve as a couple?

Take a moment to write down and share these answers with your partner, and have them do the same.

Viewing your relationship from a high-level perspective can be beneficial. Together, you can come up with solutions to emotional problems, first. (As in, before you feel the emotions that can blind you to any possible solution in the moment.)

Setting Monthly Intentions

To practice, have both you and your partner create a list of 12 things to do for the other this month. (Gifts, gestures, activities, acts of service, etc.) They can happen at any time, but each partner has the responsibility to think intentionally about the other, and then act on it.

You can even get more specific by setting a more formal intention. For example, “We take an interest in finding new, healthy ways to cope with our conflicts and levels of individual stress.”

That way, you can plan 12 things for the month that are centered around stress-reducing coping activities or gifts.

Working with a counselor is a great way to support your own emotional capacity while working through these hard topics with your partner. Ready to get started? Schedule an appointment with me today.

Feeling Like Life Is Out of Your Control? How to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times

When we struggle with our mental health, our sense of identity and self-esteem comes into question. Losing control over our own emotions makes us feel weak, as if we did something wrong to lose it in the first place.

The truth about life is that we can’t control everything. However, going through hard times doesn’t immediately change the person we are. We still have control over the way we treat ourselves.

Here are some tips to help you remain calm, even when life feels out of control.

Everything that was true about you before is still true now.

Maybe you used to feel on top of the world, super productive, and able to support anyone who needed your help. Now, you feel on the verge of tears out of exhaustion after a single lunch outing with your friends.

Just because you’re drained and not able to tap into the high-energy, supportive friend you know yourself to be doesn’t mean that you’re not still that friend. You are still that friend, just a tired version of them. You didn’t change, your circumstances did, and you’re learning to navigate them.

Feel like you can’t trust yourself? Lean on someone else for now.

Feeling like you’re making the wrong moves at every turn can be isolating. You miss a deadline at work, so you work late. Working late made you miss date night, so you buy your partner a small gift on the way home. You left the small gift on the top of your car in the parking lot, and now you come home empty-handed.

Pause and acknowledge how much effort you’re putting in vs. how re-energized you feel after putting in the effort. If you’re scrambling to keep it all together, it’s probably because it’s too much for one person to do right now.

Get comfortable learning how to ask for help. Asking for help can look like…

  • Communicating with your manager or coworker that you don’t have time to fulfill a task and require support. (It does not look like admitting you “failed” or stubbornly working away until you’re burnt out.)
  • Coming up with creative solutions to build intimacy with your partner in a way that works for your mental health right now. (You don’t have the energy to get nice and dolled up for a date, but you’d love to cozy up on the couch and read side-by-side.)
  • Acknowledging that you have a limit, and being honest when you’ve hit it. (If you feel frazzled and stuck in a cycle of “Once [this thing] happens, I’ll be okay,” it’s time to try therapy. There, you can develop coping skills that help you in the present, instead of blindly believing it’ll all work out in the future.)

Tell yourself your story from an alternate angle.

When multiple bad things happen to us in a row, it’s easy to sum it up as, “Everyone’s just out to get me this week,” or “My depression wins again.”

You always have the power to change your story. A depressive episode can make you feel stuck at the mercy of your condition, or it can direct your attention to something that’s been bothering you for some time.

Instead of seeing it as a setback, view it as an opportunity to pause and re-discover yourself. When you start seeing off-days as opportunities to refresh yourself instead of inconvenient road-blockers, you put yourself first and your contributions to society second.

At the end of the day, you’re a person who needs support. If you feel too out of control to give it to yourself, work with an anxiety counselor trained to help you. Accept that maybe right now, you’re a little broken. Believe that recovery is possible and invest in the tools that are designed to heal you.

Brush off the excuses that something won’t work, and try it anyway.

5 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

You’re finally free from the pain of disappearing date nights. Free from the exhaustion of climbing into bed after an argument. Free from the ex who weighed you down more than they lifted you up.

While you can enjoy the weightlessness of no longer loving them, you still have a responsibility to co-parent with them. Co-parenting isn’t a new concept, as the US has a 50% divorce rate. (41% for first-time marriages.)

Do it well by learning five tips from a therapist on successful co-parenting.

1. Treat your partner with respect.

Whether you’re speaking directly to them or speaking about them to your child, show your partner respect. (And ask that they do the same for you!)

Avoid bad-mouthing each other in front of your child, and teach your child that you don’t want to hear it, either. It might be funny when they first roast your ex, but encouraging them will only hurt your child in the long run. It deters them from building a healthy relationship with half of the most important support system they have.

Instead, speak on your partner’s strengths whenever you have the opportunity. Studies show that exhibiting gratitude daily improves our overall wellbeing, and it can help you have more positive interactions together.

For example, if you can’t help your child with their homework, admit to them, “I know, I’m not the best at explaining things. Mommy’s great at this stuff!”

2. Work to agree on a consistent routine.

Establishing a predictable routine for ourselves is one of the biggest things we can do for our mental health. For kids, it’s imperative as they’re still developing their sense of self-esteem. Knowing what the “next move” is makes kids feel safe and secure at home.

Work to agree with your partner on things like meal times, bed times, household responsibilities, and behavioral expectations. That way, both houses can feel like one consistent home.

3. Keep your child in focus, not your ex.

By focusing on the healthy development of your child, you should naturally want to stick to routine and rules decided by both parents. If you’re trying to stick it to your ex or “win” at being the favorite parent, you may ease up on these rules.

If you enter the day feeling insecure about your parent-child relationship, you may choose to see a new movie instead of working on homework together. This threatens your child’s routine and adds friction to an already stressful relationship with your ex.

Exposing children to parental conflict introduces feelings of vulnerability, as if their whole family system will break down and leave them behind. Don’t be the reason your child struggles to feel confident in their own skin.

4. Deal with parental guilt and frustration outside of the home.

Feeling like you’re missing out on your child’s life is disheartening, but try not to act on feelings of guilt. Children already struggle with impulse control, so if you overspend to give them quick spurts of excitement, it will bite back as an overgrown ego in your child and a lack of empathy for others.

Instead, allow yourself to be boring around your kid. Let them have perfectly ordinary days at home with their perfectly ordinary parents.

5. Keep an open dialogue.

Whether it’s face-to-face, over text, or through an online scheduling service, keep your ex updated about what’s going on. (Don’t make your child “pass notes” to the other parent.)

If it helps, start viewing your ex as a coworker. Communicate with them in professional and emotionally neutral or pleasant ways.

Instead of pointing fingers, stick to “I” statements when your ex’s behavior becomes bothersome. “I noticed Jack was more aggressive than usual when he came home this week. What kinds of stress-relieving activities should we teach him?”

Still, communicating regularly with someone who has broken your trust can be stressful. Instead of taking it out on them—or worse, you kid—work with a therapist.

Schedule your first appointment today.

Can All Couples Benefit from Couples Therapy?

For some couples, therapy is a last-ditch effort before splitting up. However, you don’t have to be considering a break-up to get something beneficial out of couples therapy!

Ditch the astrological compatibility and your petty best friend’s advice. Instead, follow the research! Around 70% of couples achieve positive, lasting change from couples therapy.

Why can’t that be you?

Misconceptions About What Therapy Means for Couples

There’s this stigma that people turn to therapists when they’re broken. However, we don’t view doctors and dentists in the same way, even though we quite literally go to them with broken bones, decaying teeth, etc.

We see them for annual check-ups, recurring physicals, regular cleanings, and other maintenance reasons. Why can’t we see therapy as something that strengthens us, instead of something that implies we are broken or failures first?

Enrolling in couples therapy does not mean there is something inherently wrong with your relationship, so cut the blaming and shaming. Therapy is a much healthier and productive way of facing relationship problems than pretending they don’t exist, convincing ourselves that our partner is the only problematic one, or insisting that real, true love shouldn’t require work.

For those with an avoidant attachment style, therapy may feel like a threat because shining a light on our darkest problems makes us think it will set them all on fire. In reality, most couples find that talking through their biggest relationship stressors with a therapist leaves them feeling lighter, more supported, and more confident in their relationship.

Signs You Could Benefit from Couples Therapy

While all couples can benefit from therapy, there are a few telltale signs it can make a big difference for you. Ask yourself: do you…

  • Feel emotionally distant from your partner or feel overwhelmingly lonely?
  • Mistrust your partner or feel you cannot rely on them for basic tasks, personal support, or loyalty?
  • Attribute your sense of self-worth to how they’re feeling?
  • Separate yourself emotionally from them to not threaten your independence?
  • Disagree on group decisions relating to finances, parenting, or in-law relations?

If you feel you have to choose between leaving the relationship to be happy vs. staying in the relationship for the family and sacrificing your happiness, it could be time for therapy. Believe that it can bring back the vibrance and love that your relationship lost.

How Couples Therapy Can Benefit Strong Couples

Your relationship may be healthy, but life still has its curveballs! How can couples therapy prepare you and your partner for everything life throws at you?

By…

  • Providing coping strategies for tough times like losing a family member, facing job insecurity, or supporting your child through their challenges.
  • Offering an outsider’s perspective on your plans for “big life” events, like preparing for a new baby, moving to a new place, or navigating a career change.
  • Teaching you or your partner skills on how to become more emotionally open and/or communicative.
  • Outlining the ways to have a “fair fight”. From dish duty to establishing boundaries with in-laws, fights are inevitable. If you can get through them without hurting each other, your relationship can thrive instead of slowly chip away.
  • Creating a safe space to talk about topics you’re afraid to bring up alone, like dry spells in the bedroom.
  • Assisting blended families in establishing skills that ensure all children feel seen, loved, and prioritized in their new family.
  • Suggesting meaningful ways to connect without giving into reflexive and offensive behaviors like “phubbing”. (Avoiding your partner by scrolling through your phone, of which we’re all guilty!)
  • Establishing and changing boundaries over time. Your mom stopping by to pick up your laundry may have been cute when you were in college, but it can become pretty invasive or patronizing once you start living together.

Don’t be like the average couple who waits six years before seeking professional help. Get ahead of the curve and schedule an appointment with us today.

Coping with Anxiety While Waiting for College Application Results

As your high school career comes to an end, it seems like the only questions your family asks these days are about college. Why can’t the questions go back to being about sports? Or your favorite TV show?

Escape the looming anxiety about college applications by shifting your thinking before those letters come in. Let’s talk about how to cope with anxiety before hearing your college application results.

You’re Not Crazy, and You’re Not the Only One Panicking

The adults in your life may act like getting into college is all about grades, hard work, and “earning” it. However, for some people, getting into college is more determined by factors like affordability, accessibility, and equal opportunity. If a well-funded public high school can afford to offer several AP and honors courses, their students will be more prepared for college-level content and classroom structures.

Under-funded public high schools are less likely to offer courses like this, putting their students at a disadvantage when they apply. Some universities attempt to compensate for this by using a holistic approach when reviewing applicants. However, this can leave the handful of students who do attend feeling like fish out of water, putting them at risk of dropping out from the academic pressure and culture shift.

We’re also facing a public health crisis around anxiety in high-achieving school districts because of the competitive nature of it all. That, plus the cultural expectation that you need a degree to secure a living wage and reasonable benefits, is enough to make someone feel desperate to succeed.

Pick the Best Fit For You, Not the “Best” School of the Year

It’s important to remember that colleges are businesses. They benefit from appearing on ranked click-bait lists, like “The Top 10 Most Fun Colleges in the U.S.” or “The Best Marketing Colleges to Apply For”. These lists have nothing to do with you and everything to do with that college wanting to get their name out.

Instead of considering what college is objectively the “best”, focus on what college would be best for you. If all your applications could be great fits, then one acceptance letter shouldn’t mean more than another. If you go to the “best” college that picks you simply because you think it’s the “best”, you may end up putting yourself at risk for more achievement pressure and burnout—two things that lead to depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

Reshape How You Think About Status

If you’re someone who gets anxious about parental approval, this statistic might help you breathe easier. One developmental psychologist found that most parents prefer to raise a caring child over a high-achieving child.

While larger colleges come with the added benefit of a broad alumni network, that doesn’t guarantee you more success than a smaller college would. (Especially if you’re worried about large classes deterring you from connecting with your professors.) You may find that building your own professional network outside of your school’s alumni proves to be more fulfilling.

You’re Done Testing, Applying, and Essay-Writing… Enjoy Your Senior Year!

Senior year can be bittersweet. You want to celebrate all the senior nights and drive around with your hometown besties until the last possible second. Don’t be afraid to dive into it all!

Your head may be spinning with thoughts of, “I didn’t do enough,” “I could’ve pulled that C up to a B,” or “Why couldn’t I come up with a better ending to my essay?” Hindsight bias can really drag down your senior year if you let it get to you.

Remember—you performed the best you could at the time with the tools and energy you had available. It’s easy to say you could’ve found a better path forward when you’re looking back at it from the other side.

If you want more support to get you through this stressful time, schedule an appointment with me today to develop more anxiety coping skills that work for you.

Coping with Uncertain Times: How to Handle COVID’s Changes

In a COVID-19 world, uncertainty dances around us every day. New variants are forming, new vaccines are coming out, and mask guidelines vary from city to city. It’s all pretty anxiety-inducing, but there are things you can do to cope.

Our brains are wired to see ambiguity as a threat. When we try to focus on something else, our brain redirects us back to resolving those feelings of uncertainty. However, this doesn’t mean that focusing on uncertainty is the best solution to resolving it.

Studies show that job uncertainty can have a more significant effect on your health than actually losing a job will. Similarly, in one study, participants who were told they had a 50% chance of feeling a shock felt more anxiety than those who knew for certain they were getting shocked.

Let this speak volumes to the importance of feeling safe and secure for the sake of your mental health.

“Knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” – John Allen Paulos

Resisting the idea that COVID-19 comes with an amount of uncertainty will only lead you toward delusions. It’s true, you’ve probably never faced something like this in your life. However, that doesn’t mean you’re excused from accepting it as real.

Instead of suppressing the emotions you feel about COVID, let yourself feel them. Accept them as the only truth you know these days. Resisting them will only let them fester and grow in intensity, potentially resulting in an underlying anxiety disorder or feelings of depression.

See life for what it is right now—challenging, frustrating, and for some, really boring. Don’t lie to yourself, it totally is. Accepting the current situation means allowing your emotions to flow and then exit, because they’re simply not helpful right now.

This doesn’t mean you should turn into a doormat for people to walk all over because nothing ever gets to you. Rather, it means lowering your expectations for what’s possible for the time being.

Right now, we have multiple COVID variants, several vaccines, and lots of time to wait for people to catch up on the research and eventually, slow the spread. It’s not ideal, but it’s realistic and the only option we have right now.

Comfort Yourself in Healthy Ways

While we wait for the rest of the world to catch up, let’s take care of ourselves in the meantime. Feelings of anxiety can pair with a desperation for dopamine, making unhealthy “rewards” like drinking, binge-eating, or doom-scrolling through social media especially tempting.

Fill your dopamine meter in healthy ways, like going for hikes with friends, flipping through old memory boxes, or watching a funny movie. It’s not indulgent to take care of yourself as long as you’re doing it in healthy ways.

Take Everything You Hear with a Grain of Salt

Rumors about COVID are constantly flying. Protect your sanity by assuming everything you hear from friends has an asterisk that means “may be true upon doing the research myself.” Allowing yourself to believe and get worked up by other people’s “facts” that are blown out of proportion for the storytelling of it all can leave you feeling frazzled.

Don’t go through the grieving process if you have no one to grieve, and don’t convince yourself you’re in danger when you know you took the steps toward being safe.

When In Doubt, Seek It Out

Go out of your way to find the information you need from a trusted source, like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or your state’s website outlining COVID-19 guidance.

If you have all the COVID information you need and just need helping to cope with the stress of it all, consider starting counseling. Together, we can build an arsenal of anxiety coping skills to get you through this difficult time.

Are There Benefits if Teens Wait to Make College Decisions?

As parents, we want to set our kids up for a lifetime of success. The job gets tricky when they turn 18, become independent, and start making decisions that have long-term consequences for the first time.

Even though they are legally adults, their prefrontal cortex will not fully develop until age 25. This means teens are more likely to make emotionally backed decisions instead of rationally backed ones. They may only decide to go to college because “everyone else is doing it”, or they may push back because the idea of sitting in a classroom for another four years feels torturous.

While college can be a life-changing experience for many, those changes are not always good. That is why it is important to consider the benefits of waiting before you push your child down the college route.

The Argument for a Gap Year

Taking a gap year between high school and college gives students the chance to recover from burnout and learn who they are outside of the classroom. (Especially for students who took AP and honors courses.) For non-academically motivated students, a year of work allows them to build confidence and better reputations with their supervisors than they did with their teachers.

Many educators agree that students who take a year off come back feeling refreshed and matured, with a clearer vision of their future than before. Of course, this all depends on how valuable their gap year was.

To gain critical “real world” experience, young adults should travel, work a job that interests them, or volunteer somewhere inspiring.

How to Know If It Is a Good Idea to Wait

If your child’s SAT/ACT score is significantly higher than their grades, that could be a sign they are intellectually capable enough, but not disciplined enough, to take college seriously. That is okay! Some people are simply not classroom-motivated.

Let them have a year off to find work that inspires them. That way, when they go to college, they go to develop the skills they are genuinely passionate about.

Just like how someone can underutilize a gap year, they can also underutilize one year in college. (And college costs significantly more than taking a year off.) Building your GPA back up after one year is tough, especially if you are looking to transfer or apply to a program that requires a good GPA.

For some people, it is better to lower the stakes as you go—work, go to community college, then transfer to a four-year university. For some students, starting with a four-year university provides a lot of unnecessary pressure and anxiety that can affect their performance and confidence.

If all they face in school is disappointment, they may not make the best use of their newfound independence. This can lead to serious depression, coping with alcohol and drugs, skipping classes, or flunking out.

The Risks of Waiting to Go to College

If your child chooses to work after graduation, they risk the chance of putting off college so long that they never actually go.

Studies show they could miss out on as much as $800,000 over the course of their lives compared to the salaries of college grads. (However, some 18-year-olds might prefer avoiding student loan debt while they are young and still learning financial literacy.)

College today has become sort of a cultural expectation for young adults. As parents, you want to help your child decide what is best for their individual future. That means making yourself a safe space for them to open up, discuss long-term consequences of their actions, and move forward with confidence.

What is the best way to do this? Therapy! I am happy to work with you and your child so they have the tools they need to make big decisions like these with confidence. Ready to get started? Schedule an appointment with us today.